Olympus Pen EES, Kodak Colorplus 200

“ Life can seem awful and unfixable until the universe shifts a little and the observation point is altered, an then suddenly, life seems bearable.“

My Heart and Other Blackholes, Jasmine Warga

I read this book a few years back, My Heart and Other Blackholes, by Jasmine Warga, when I was dealing with life challenges that took some toll on my mental health. I called it my ‘dark days’, where I dealt with extreme anxiety (which I gradually overcame by God’s unfailing grace). About this, story time! SOOO here’s how 2022 made me see life in a wider lens, appreciate everything that happened so much I have to tell it all here as SHORT and VAGUE as possible (hmm…) however, candidly… so bear with me.

These photos we’re taken early 2022 using my first film camera: Konica C35 EF, Kodak Gold 200

It wasn’t easy surviving 2021, and now 2022 also had been a heck of a roller coaster ride. I think many could relate during the PH CoVid years that there were times when circumstances brought us up just to bring us down in speed unprepared. I remember each time I got my hopes high but eventually got nothing. I thought expecting the worst could save me from heartaches, but it hindered me from celebrating life instead. Tough times will always be just around the corner. It’s something we have to deal with one way or another. But all those experiences got me remembering how strong I am and how things always get manageable after you accept them. This whole year felt like a decade because so much has happened since. I have wandered through different ventures and come with some failures, but, in a way, it helped me navigate life and I discovered many things about myself.

Minolta SRT 101, Expired Lomo 800

It is always comforting when someone tells me the phrases I always use to comfort them: “This too shall pass“. Cliche, but true. It feels good to be reminded that everything in life is temporary – the bad times and the good ones. Your circumstances will be over soon and the good ones will not last. So let’s brave the tough times and be grateful for the simple joys. Seize life and take it one day at a time. After all, “Life has to go on even when you don’t want it to or when you feel unable to participate. The world doesn’t stop turning for anyone.” (Stewart Stafford).

Life will not really go our way. There are 7.8 billion people in the world and we cannot expect things to go according to what each of us want. There could be some people out of the world’s population having the time of their life now and you’re not one of them… and that’s okay. That also means you’re not alone in the unfortunate percentage. One thing I learned in 2022: disappointments are inevitable, and surviving the year involves surrounding yourself with good company who will be there with you even in disappointments.

So many things happened yet I felt very stagnant. I felt I’m not moving up in life. I thought I have to do many things just to fill that “void”. 2022 proved to me that life will never be perfect. I don’t always have to make up for somehing I lack; sometimes I just have to accept them. The inability to go outside during the lockdowns made me rely more on social media to feel “connected” to the world outside. But it turned out, it only highlighted how much I needed a life. Most times I would deactivate my Facebook and focus on my creative hobbies. I even purchased computer games even though I already figured long ago that it doesn’t really add to my life, just to get rid of boredom. Then I bought my first film camera and got into that fulfilling hobby. I also got a dog and realized life is more meaningful if shared and when someone depends on you… uwu.

I haven’t really lived that long but life has been unpredictable, especially these past few years. There’s always that urge to do something. I have trouble letting things go. There was a lot of breaking and I have come to my yielding point. I always think I could do more to not be like this. I didn’t like where I was. This year taught me contentment, and being at peace doesn’t always mean complacency. Sometimes, doing nothing, and letting go means accepting that the sovereign Lord knows what He is doing. And making up for the things that didn’t go your way isn’t part of your role. There are few or some moments in life when it reaallllyyy feels like a roller coaster and you cannot do anything but sit and fasten the belt and wait for it to be over… and the only control you have is how you let things be.

Not grace to bar what is not bliss, Nor flight from all distress, but this: The grace that orders our trouble and pain, And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain.

-Desiring God

There were also lots of times that made me wish to turn back time. I thought the best parts of my life were long gone. I forgot how to look forward, wishing I never grew old. Oh, the things I could have done but didn’t. But the past does not live. It’s still there but it is not moving. It is done and all I have is now. Film photography helped me to have something to look forward from shooting to developing to anticipation and scanning. We do really have different ways to cope and I’m glad I found one that also helps me grow. One more thing! I think creative hobbies help so much with getting through stuff.

Minolta SRT 101 58mm, Kodak Colorpus 200

I regret dwelling on the past. If I knew the places I’ll go and the people I’ll meet along the way, I wouldn’t bother dwelling so much on how past is better. I just became ungrateful and unhopeful. One thing I find to be true is we really haven’t met all the places we will enjoy and all the people we’re gonna love… and love us in return. I never imagined myself going in a place where people don’t speak my language; to try unfamiliar foods and get to know different races. We really have to wait patiently for a plot twist.

Konica C35 EF, Fuji C200

True enough, the broken roads led me to where I am now. My anxiety and heartache made me go to Singapore. What I thought to be an “escape” became a place where I found most of the answers to my “Why?”.

“Life can seem awful and unfixable until the universe shifts a little and the observation point is altered, and then suddenly, life seems bearable.”, this is my favorite quote from Jasmine Warga’s My Heart and Other Blackholes that helped me get through some tough times before and I’ve always used this to pat myself on the back. It’s my reminder that things will be bearable even though it will take much effort to be still. I know someday, again, for the millionth time, I will feel lost. Life could be pretty harsh but it could also take you by surprise that it can be so worth it. I never really lost everything but sometimes, when it feels that way what I don’t want to lose is my faith that I will experience the goodness of the Lord even in the land of the living.

It’s okay to be lost and confused. For a moment, you’ll question if you would manage to get to where you’re supposed to be, but, who knows anyway? For now, I will rest in the truth that I cannot really worry about the future so much, thinking it will solve it beforehand. With the sustaining grace of Christ, I will hold on to hope that I’ll find myself somewhere, somehow — and find someone too???

Unpredictable it may seem, life has a way of making up for things that didn’t go your way, lah. Before 2022 ended, I got my plot twist. The universe shifted a little, and my observation point was altered… suddenly life got more meaningful and worthwhile. It’s not over yet and probably a lot more to come, but I thank God for surrounding me with good people and bringing me to places that have now become a part of me. 2022 has been challenging but it’s been a year of God’s sustaining grace and deliverance. So much to look forward to now and be grateful for. (I’m not entering 2023 alone!!!)

My heart is so full!